Irby begins her initial essay with the first of three self-descriptions. She imagines she is the fantasy Internet influencer, sought after for her beauty tips and exquisite fashion insights. She describes the cutting-edge products she will use to keep her online fans glued to her daily posts. From this make-believe version of herself, the author transitions to the real Irby, who wakes up at noon, feeling panicked for wasting half the day, then eventually falls back into a series of slovenly habits she considers disgusting. Facing the actuality of who she is causes Irby to consider a third version of herself: the professional writer she ought to be, who dedicates herself to deadlines and projects she knows she must complete. She quickly acknowledges that she has neither lived up to her fantasies or to the more realistic performance expectations of a professional.

Irby chronicles her movements through a typical day. She finds herself unmotivated when it comes to updating her regular Internet posts, instead focusing on what others have written. She writes, “my heart sinks as it dawns on me that I have gotten up and gotten dressed just to read what other people are saying on Twitter. This is the glamorous life of a writer” (7).